Thirsty Thursdays | Toasts
“Heres to the breezes that blow through the treezes and lift the skirts above the kneezes. And here's to that spot that’s oh so hot,it teases,it pleases,it spreads diseases. And here's to the snat@$, down the hatch"
Believe it or not this is an example of one of the least vulgar toast’s I could come up with off the top of my head. But that is beside the point.
Dictionary.com defines a “toast” as: A salutation or a few words of congratulation, good wishes, appreciation, remembrance, etc, uttered immediately before drinking to a person, event, etc.
No offense to Dictionary.com but this is the most simplified, dull, uninspired, distasteful and boring definition of the “toast” that I have ever read. C’mon! Even a dreary old moth like Mr. Webster could surely come up with something more insightful. However, since its past Webster’s bedtime, Dictionary.com will have to do. So lets break this down.
1.) “A salutation or a few words” Who ever approved this wording has clearly never been to a traditional wedding reception. No matter who the bride and groom are inevitably one of the two will have chosen a best man/maid who shouldn’t be talking to a group of drunken turd hurling monkeys much less a room filled with the lucky couple’s closest friends and family. All wedding goers know it’s never a few words, it’s either two words or too many words. For those of you who actually can speak in front of a crowd…great! you should be giving the speech/toast. As for those of you who can’t, do us all a favor…write it down and read it.
2.) “Congratulation, good wishes, appreciation, remembrance” | Solid, but missing something. Oh right, “a due” as in good-bye. Good-bye to sobriety. Congratulations on making it to the toast, we’ve had good memories till now. We appreciate you attendance to this event. Good wishes with the debauchery to come. This champagne is in remembrance of the last time you recall why we actually had you at this event.
3.) “Uttered immediately”: not real important as we all known a good toast can come at anytime in any place.
4.)”Before drinking to a person or event”: The word “drink” being the key here. Drinking is the key element to any toast. If someone says they are giving a toast and you don’t witness at least one drink being consumed, that’s not a toast, it’s a statement of the lame. After a good toast the drink is an added bonus, however, after a bad toast the drink is in effect the saving grace.
Realism: Though Dictionary.com has its reputation it can’t always define every word correctly. Sometimes it takes an experienced veteran, like myself, to aid in proper definition. So lets give it a shot…
The proper definition of Toast – A grouping of obscure and at times perverse words designed to distract the men and women involved from
realizing the tumultuous consciences to be brought on by their involuntary commitment to the drink/shot they must take to honor the speaker.
Happy Thirsty Thursday! And remember: if it’s on fire, don’t be the idiot, blow it out first! -T-Buss – Team EDR Booze Hound