TTh | Baller Shot Caller
Let me talk to you about liquor, and by that I mean SHOTS. I don’t mean the type of liquor you order for a good tasty drink. I don’t mean Goldschlager or even Jager. I mean the type of liquor that makes you hurt. The type that starts in your mouth and ends in your mouth. These various selections make your throat burn, your ears steam and your eyes water. It’s the type you hold back to prove you are a real MAN!
Speaking of real men, several “real men” once told that there are levels of manly shots, just like there are levels of liquor.
Basic Liquor Levels
Rail: The cheap shit!
Premium: Normal booze for the rest of us who are no longer in college.
Top Shelf: This is the level of booze here in the midwest where if you buy it you either know nothing about booze or your know everything about booze (so you like to tell your friends.)
Holy Crap!: Simply the type of stuff that “people” buy when either they want to “taste the best” or when they want to completely PUNISH their friends at their most vulnerable point.
Translating these given levels into shots is quite simple really.
The basic rail shot can be any of many different garbage liquors. The tell tail sign always being different flavors all coming under the same brand name, [always BAD]. But really the ultimate manly rail shot boils down to one, and only one type of liquor. Tequila! Think about it…most people aren’t taking shots of rail vodka or rum, but undoubtedly 99% of the time its acceptable to purchase shots of Sauza, Montizuma and I would even put Jose Quarvo on this level. And heaven forbid you request it chilled, that’s a waste of ice. It will be drank warm and its only classy in a plastic shot glass.
Premium liquors on the other hand are what most mentally functioning folks will look to for a good group shot. They are semi smooth straight up and with the addition of some simple ingredients can make for a tasty buzz booster. Here you are looking at your Absolutes or Bacardis. The downfall of this level is there are not really a lot of true manly shots. Premium liquor is like the middle child; they have attributes of the no good trouble making younger child but the sensibility of the care taking oldest child.
This brings us to Top Shelf. This level contains most of the deadliest combination shots. Three Wiseman, Four Horseman. Call a Cab. Break Stuff. All combinations of real terrible top shelf liquors. This level only exists for birthdays and major life events involving friends and family with no particular income restrictions. The Top Shelf is a dangerous place to be but trust me it could be worse.
Worse can come in many forms and all these forms stem from what I call the Holy Crap region of liquor. This region combines Top Shelf with Rail. There is no deviating from that specific rule. Each manly shot must be something good combined with something terrible. When these shots come out to play please do me a favor and just assume you will be meeting the porcelain goddess, it’s going to happen! Give me an example you say? Well, the Holy Crap level houses many solid examples of the worst shots on earth, but I would like to leave you with more than one of the worst. This shot is easily the last words anyone wants uttered in a drinking establishment, “The Drunken Midget” (Rail Gin with Jack Daniels WARM).
Take my advice DON’T DO IT! [Editor’s Note: DO it]
Happy Thirsty Thursday! And remember: if it’s on fire, don’t be the idiot, blow it out first! -T-Buss – Team EDR Booze Hound