TTh | Open Letter to all Bartenders
You show me a bar and I’ll show you that one bartender that likes to hose everyone on drinks. It’s not their fault they are probably this bad at everything. It makes you wonder if they notice how many times per night patrons ask them to, “Pour some booze in the drink this time”, unfortunately they will never get it. More booze in the drink = more money in their pocket…no matter what their manager says. In fact, if you are reading this right now and you work at a high volume bar where the managers are telling you to poor less rather than more simply extend your right hand and smack the SOB in their privates. That manager is a damn idiot!
The simple fact is that a bar, a REAL BAR, is all about the drinks. It isn’t about the giant plasma TV’s, the leather bar stools, the specials or even the under weight bar skanks who shop in the kids section. All of these things will already be at any bar. The difference between any bar and the bar people want to be at is and always will be the drinks.
Think about it this way: If I told you there is a bar where you can do anything you want. The floors are made of trampolines. The patrons are only allowed to be attractive. There is a minimum bra size and clothing is optional. Bar games are free, sports are live and always in high-def, and there is a constant stream of the worlds best porn in each room. You would be ecstatically wondering out loud where this place was and how much it costs to get in…until I told you it doesn’t serve alcohol. Nope, no booze of any kind, but feel free to enjoy ice-cold Odouls with your porn.
You wouldn’t go, no one would! The kicker is if you brought back the booze many people would probably try to figure out if they could live there. People would camp out front before the doors opened. It would be like Star Wars without nerds. The world would go crazy and it all hinges on the service of booze.
People wonder why prohibition didn’t work here in the United States. It’s easy to understand, people don’t want to live without booze. Sometimes booze is the idea that keeps a crazy former drunk sober. Sometimes booze helps an awkward teen get her college career started. And sometimes…just sometimes…ok maybe once…a little 151 in a beer bong might just make you the newest bother of a fraternity.
So all you bartenders out there please do me a favor grow a pair, step it up, you already work hard for your money, just poor a good drink. This is all the American economists ask for. Now, I don’t know about you but I’m off to throw a giant pre-party and find that bar with big boobs and streaming porn!
Happy Thirsty Thursday! And remember: if it’s on fire, don’t be the idiot, blow it out first! -T-Buss – Team EDR Booze Hound