TTR | The Beer Bong
Let’s talk about a subject that’s near and dear to my heart, Beer Bongs! It’s never a special occasion until the girl in the cleavage dress commits alcohol abuse as the tube is raised too high too quickly and the beer sprays from her mouth down her dress ultimately splashing down on the nice wood, cheap tile or lawn depending on classiness. It’s happened to you and it’s happened to me lets hope only once or only once that you can recall. Regardless, the Beer Bong seems to be a staple of a specific period of most folks lives [you hope], for others it can become a permanent source of embarrassment, [but I’m not gonna get into the J. Brejcha’s of the world]. For this purpose let’s stick to the period of life known as COLLEGE.
Upon day one of college you get the pencils, papers, mathematical accessories, books, books, books, maybe a laptop, and more useless advice from your advisor than you could ever make sense of at 18 years old. In my experience it’s the books that are the heaviest, most expensive and at times the least helpful college accessory. We all know or can guess at typical text books a freshman might purchase: math, biology, speech, [F’in] philosophy, etc…But books you probably wont find in that 50 lb backpack might include, “The Freshman Guide to Beer-Friending your R.A.”, “Liquid Dynamics and You”, or “Uses for a Standard Funnel and Tube, Other than Car Repair”. Had you found any of these books you may have been one of the few to peer into my 60 lb backpack, of course I’m accounting for an additional 10 lbs of ice cold beer, (Thank you Budweiser).
Personally I never finished any of those vital books due to the fact that my friends and I rewrote them with our own livers…Livers that will go down in history for their courage in the face of immense adversity. The adversity I speak of here representing beer bongs with funnels ranging from one quart to two gallons attached to a tube the size of a standard garden hose or something you might see when using the bank drive through. Either way for some reason it was never the size of the Beer Bong, the focus was always on the content. I know, everyone is thinking, “Ah yeah BEER!”, but truly it’s about 50/50. Typically there is some sort of beer as an initial ingredient, or its starts as beer, however, from there it’s all up to the observational skills of the drinker whether the final chug will be just beer. Hell, I’ve seen tequila, root beer and peppermint schnapps, Guinness, 151 and I even had a guy poor a bunch of water in mine just to see the pain on my face when I drank it all thinking it was beer. Damn Carlson!
From my experience I think the key to beer bonging is minimizing the delay between the poor and the chug, if you can do that 99% of the time you will be pretty safe, (baring that one time when ‘quick draw McGraw’ produces a phantom bottle of Bacardi Limon out of thin air and you end up having a lemon-bud light.)